I am a weirdo magnet

I am a weirdo magnet. I do not know why or how, but strange people are attracted to me. If you have spent any time with me in public, you already know what I am talking about. For instance, last week I was at the leisure center with Chris Ens, showering after a swim. An obese, nude man happened to be showering at the same time. He looked up and saw me and it was like something inside him snapped. It was like he just had to talk to me. He started out with the following: "so, I need to fix my car, and it will cost about $1000. I don't have the money so I went to the casino this morning" I really wanted to say "ya, that makes sense, the casino is just like a bank" but the thought of angering this obese, nude man in a slippery shower kept me quiet. He continued on with how he had won enough to pay for his car repairs, but decided to keep gambling. At this point I really, really wanted to say "at least your are not addicted to gambling", but he was still naked. I could not understand most of what he said after that, although I am pretty sure he ended up losing all his money. He was laughing and mumbling too much to be fully understood.

On the overall "weird people attracted to me" scale, this was maybe a 4 out of 10, and it only ranked that high because it was in a shower. You might be curious as to what an 9 or a 10 looks like, so I will give a couple of examples.

A 9 out of 10 - I was riding the bus into Vancouver one summer when I was about 15. The bus was about half full. At one stop, a large lady gets on the bus dressed in a snow-suit. As soon as I see her, I start to worry. Although there are lots of available seats, I know she will sit beside me. She won't be able to help it. She sits down beside me and I notice she is sweating profusely. After all, it is about 25 degrees out and she is wearing a snow-suit. She starts rumaging through her bag, and I assume she is looking for a drink or something to help her cool down. Istead she pulls out a Coffee Crisp, opens it up, and starts rubbing it all over her face. She is not even trying to eat it, just rubbing it all over. This lasted for about 20 minutes, until we reached her stop. Coffee Crisp's have never tasted the same for me since.

A 10 out of 10 - A 10 usually involves weirdness and fear. Again, I am riding the bus into Vancouver, this time I am with my friend Tom Grell. At one stop, a very large Native lady gets on the bus, and sits directly behind me. I can smell that she has been drinking, and she seems to enjoy breathing on me. All of a sudden, she grabs me by my hair, pulls my head back to about an inch from her face, and loudly proclaims "You got faggot hair" She shakes my head around for a while, then lets go. I instantly pulled the cord to indicate my stop was next, got up and moved to the doors. The whole time she was just staring at me, like a hungry man would eye a sirloin steak. We got off the bus, and waited for the next one to pick us up. the funny thing is, it was another 2 years before I got a perm.

The Plague

Some of you, like me, probably have already had the stomach flu going around that Heidi refers to as "the plague", but I bet nobody got get-well cards like these.

Nice eh? They are from my nieces Emme and Spencer. At least I thought they were nice and sweet until I opened them up.

I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom. Needless to say, I have some pretty awesome nieces.

I am a what?

A couple nights ago after playing a game of cribbage, (one of the dumbest games ever by the way) me and Heidi were talking about books and for no reason she called me a "stupid hag". Now normally verbal abuse from my wife rolls off me like water off a Ducks back, but a hag? My first thought was that maybe it was another one of Heidi's made up names from her childhood like "jag-star". (I still do not know what a jag-star is, I only know that Heidi is 100% sure I am one.) I asked her what she meant by hag, and she just said "that's what you are". I told her that I am probably supposed to call her a hag, not the other way around. She responded with "too bad, I used it first".

The next day I looked up hag on Wikipedia which is the most reliable source of info on the web and found the following definition:

A hag (or crone) is a wizened old woman, or a kind of fairy or goddess having the appearance of such a woman, often found in folklore and children's tales such as Hansel & Gretel.

Great, my wife thinks I am a kind of fairy, and a stupid one at that. I hate cribbage.