Frozen Rocks Are Harder

I am a weirdo magnet

2008-01-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

I am a weirdo magnet. I do not know why or how, but strange people are attracted to me. If you have spent any time with me in public, you already know what I am talking about. For instance, last week I was at the leisure center with Chris Ens, showering after a swim. An obese, nude man happened to be showering at the same time. He looked up and saw me and it was like something inside him snapped. It was like he just had to talk to me. He started out with the following: "so, I need to fix my car, and it will cost about $1000. I don't have the money so I went to the casino this morning" I really wanted to say "ya, that makes sense, the casino is just like a bank" but the thought of angering this obese, nude man in a slippery shower kept me quiet. He continued on with how he had won enough to pay for his car repairs, but decided to keep gambling. At this point I really, really wanted to say "at least your are not addicted to gambling", but he was still naked. I could not understand most of what he said after that, although I am pretty sure he ended up losing all his money. He was laughing and mumbling too much to be fully understood.

On the overall "weird people attracted to me" scale, this was maybe a 4 out of 10, and it only ranked that high because it was in a shower. You might be curious as to what an 9 or a 10 looks like, so I will give a couple of examples.

A 9 out of 10 - I was riding the bus into Vancouver one summer when I was about 15. The bus was about half full. At one stop, a large lady gets on the bus dressed in a snow-suit. As soon as I see her, I start to worry. Although there are lots of available seats, I know she will sit beside me. She won't be able to help it. She sits down beside me and I notice she is sweating profusely. After all, it is about 25 degrees out and she is wearing a snow-suit. She starts rumaging through her bag, and I assume she is looking for a drink or something to help her cool down. Istead she pulls out a Coffee Crisp, opens it up, and starts rubbing it all over her face. She is not even trying to eat it, just rubbing it all over. This lasted for about 20 minutes, until we reached her stop. Coffee Crisp's have never tasted the same for me since.

A 10 out of 10 - A 10 usually involves weirdness and fear. Again, I am riding the bus into Vancouver, this time I am with my friend Tom Grell. At one stop, a very large Native lady gets on the bus, and sits directly behind me. I can smell that she has been drinking, and she seems to enjoy breathing on me. All of a sudden, she grabs me by my hair, pulls my head back to about an inch from her face, and loudly proclaims "You got faggot hair" She shakes my head around for a while, then lets go. I instantly pulled the cord to indicate my stop was next, got up and moved to the doors. The whole time she was just staring at me, like a hungry man would eye a sirloin steak. We got off the bus, and waited for the next one to pick us up. the funny thing is, it was another 2 years before I got a perm.

The Plague

2008-01-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

Some of you, like me, probably have already had the stomach flu going around that Heidi refers to as "the plague", but I bet nobody got get-well cards like these.

Nice eh? They are from my nieces Emme and Spencer. At least I thought they were nice and sweet until I opened them up.

I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom. Needless to say, I have some pretty awesome nieces.

I am a what?

2008-01-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

A couple nights ago after playing a game of cribbage, (one of the dumbest games ever by the way) me and Heidi were talking about books and for no reason she called me a "stupid hag". Now normally verbal abuse from my wife rolls off me like water off a Ducks back, but a hag? My first thought was that maybe it was another one of Heidi's made up names from her childhood like "jag-star". (I still do not know what a jag-star is, I only know that Heidi is 100% sure I am one.) I asked her what she meant by hag, and she just said "that's what you are". I told her that I am probably supposed to call her a hag, not the other way around. She responded with "too bad, I used it first".

The next day I looked up hag on Wikipedia which is the most reliable source of info on the web and found the following definition:

A hag (or crone) is a wizened old woman, or a kind of fairy or goddess having the appearance of such a woman, often found in folklore and children's tales such as Hansel & Gretel.

Great, my wife thinks I am a kind of fairy, and a stupid one at that. I hate cribbage.

Staying safe this holiday season

2007-12-19T13:53:00.000-08:00

If you have read my blog before, you may know that people in my circle of friends and family commonly refer to me as the "Safety Nerd". I will admit that I come by that nickname honestly, and I believe that the title comes with a certain degree of responsibility. So without any further adieu, here are my holiday safety tips for 2007.

Never, ever use a treadmill

Treadmills are the classic "wolves in sheep's clothing". They are supposed help you achieve your fitness goals, an aid in maintaining your overall health and well-being. Unless overall health and well being consists of severe rug burns to your knees and arms, it is a lie. I know this from personal experience. About 2 years ago I decided to go for a run on a treadmill at the Leisure Centre near my house. It is very hard to concentrate on both running straight, and watching a TV screen a few feet to the left. One second I am jogging merrily along and the next thing I know I am lying in a heap at the base of a StairMaster, knees and arms bleeding with the whole gym staring at me. I proceeded to get back on the treadmill, and finished my run while trying to act like nothing happened. Needless to say, I will not get back on a treadmill without some spotters present.

When the windows of your car have ice on them, scrape them BEFORE you drive away.

I will never understand how people think it is safe to drive around with only a small strip of eye level ice or snow removed from the windshield. Its like they think that anything behind or beside them is not their problem. Just to be clear, I do not consider using the windshield wipers and half a jug worth of windshield washer fluid an effective method of scraping windows. Heidi on the other hand, would probably design an arctic ice-breaker with windshield washer fluid and a couple sets of wipers to get through the ice.

Don't go to sleep with a book on your face

I did not even know that people did this until I met Heidi. I was shocked the first time I looked over at her to see a book covering her face as she was fast asleep. Now I regularly reach over to extract a book from her face, and turn out her light before I go to sleep. It may seem like a harmless practice, but what if one time she rolls over, the book starts sliding, and all of a sudden we have a horribly disfiguring paper cut? Doesn't sound too safe anymore does it? So I think it is best to put down the book, then go to sleep.

My Apologies

2007-12-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

I told myself that I would not be one of those once every couple of months bloggers. Since my last post was in October, it turns out I told myself a lie. Thinking back, I have often convinced myself of things that might be considered untrue, such as:

I would look really cool with a perm.

If I was taller, I could have totally played pro basketball.

A 1965 Mustang is a practical daily driver

Chilliwack doesn't smell that bad.

Heidi's Dad would really like a Hickory Farms Meat Stick for Christmas (It was my first Christmas dating Heidi and she actually convinced me that it was a great gift. Later she admitted that she just wanted to leave the mall. I remember watching everybody open their gifts and thinking "what on earth would have possessed me to think a meat stick is a great gift?)

Anyways, the last two months have been pretty crazy with Heidi opening the store and all, but I will give a quick rundown of some personal highlights.

OCTOBER

One of our suppliers at work took me Sturgeon fishing with some other customers in October. It was an absolute blast. I did not catch this exact fish, but most of the guys that went on the trip were too drunk to get out of the boat by this time, so I ended up getting in quite a few pictures.

We also went away for Thanksgiving. We went to a really nice lakeside resort near Barrier. We all stayed in a huge log home, did some fishing, skeet shooting, and even participated in a beer tasting contest.

I have to admit I am a natural marksman. I hit 8 of 12 skeets my first time. Shooting a gun is probably in my blood due to the fact that I grew up on the mean streets of East Richmond

We continued our Halloween tradition of going trick or treating with our nieces and nephew. I thought I dressed up as 70's guy, but apparently I looked more like a sexual predator than anything else. A perfect costume to wear while walking around with a bunch of kids. Maybe next year I will dress up as a Scout leader, then I really will look like a sexual predator.

That is my brother-in-law Kris dressed as a pirate. A very unique and original costume, hardly anybody dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow this year.

November & December

Basically, Heidi opening up her store has been the highlight of the last 2 months.

Congratulations to my sister, Liz

2007-10-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

How would you feel if you got an email from your little sister entitled "How does this make you feel?" and this is what the email contained:

I have to say I was excited. Liz has finally kissed a boy, and it only took her 24 years. Me and my brother Benj have often wondered if she had ever kissed anyone, and we always thought probably not. My Mom didn't even think so when we asked her and said "She doesn't even have her drivers license yet, so she is probably not ready". Well I am very happy that Liz chose to share this important milestone with me, and am very proud to say my little sister is growing up. Maybe soon she will be able to ride the bus by herself, get her learner's drivers license, or maybe even clean up her room without being told, twice.

Hat's off to Raymond, the tele-surveyor.

2007-09-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

I was finishing dinner with Heidi the other night, and the phone rang. I picked it up, and to my absolute delight, it was somebody wanting to know if I would participate in a survey. Of course I would! My eyes lit up, and I guess the smile on my face told Heidi what I was doing, so she sighed, shook her head, and went to another room in the house. The surveyor explained that he worked for an independent company contracted by BC Hydro, and that the aim of the survey was to determine how effective their energy smart marketing campaign had been. I said I would like to participate, and immediately asked for his name. He said his name was Raymond, and I introduced myself as Tim Epp.

He asked for my name again, and I repeated it, and gave the spelling. T-I-M-E-P-P. He asked for the spelling again, so this time I said T-I-M-Edward-Paul-Paul. He said he got it and then asked for my last name. I explained how my first name was Tim, and my last name is Epp. Who would have a first name like Timepp? I could see it now, "Yes, my name is Timepp, and this is my brother Turnip". I was starting to think that I was going to really fluster this guy if he had this much trouble with my name. (Heidi was howling in the other room as she always runs into problems when saying our last name on the phone)

It turns out that Raymond handled every weird comment, or piece of very personal information that I gave him without any real trouble. Here are some highlights of our conversation:

Raymond: Would you say that the BC Hydro commercials have influenced you to use less electricity, say turn off the lights in a room that you are not in?

Me: Yes, I always do my best to conserve electricity. My wife does not however. She leaves every light on all the time. Maybe BC Hydro should include steps on how to get your wife to be powersmart, that would be helpful. (I should have also explained how Heidi often falls asleep with the lights on and a book on her face, but didn't think of it at the time)

Raymond: Okay. Can you identify any of BC Hydro's Powersmart slogans that you might have heard?

Me: I think so, let me see. (I went on for about a minute without saying anything before suddenly shouting "Powersmart") Ya, be powersmart, is that one? (Heidi also yells "flick off" from the other room so I quickly shout "Flick-off" as well)

Raymond: Sure. Do you think you will use less electricity in the future because of powersmart initiatives?

Me: No, I will probably use a lot more because I am going to get a hybrid car, and they run on electricity half the time. (I expected to really puzzle him with that one)

Raymond: Okay, sure. How many adults live in your household?

Me: Two.

Raymond: Do you have any children?

Me: No, but we are really trying for one right now.

Raymond: Good luck with that.

Me: Thanks Raymond.

Raymond: What is your overall impression of BC Hydro?

Me: I really like BC Hydro. If you were calling on behalf of Terasen, however, we would have had a problem. I really don't like those guys. I actually hate them, alot.

Raymond: That's good to know.

He asked a few more questions, thanked me for my time, took down my personal info so I could participate in future surveys, and hung up. I learned that tele-surveyors are a big step up from tele-marketers, and that I need to be ready with my "A" game if I want to fluster them enough to end the call without being rude. So my hat is off to Raymond, who maintained his poise for the entire 15 minutes he had me on the phone. Well done.

A month's worth: Part 1

2007-08-31T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty busy this month, actually Heidi has been monopolizing the computer every night for the past month so I have not had time to update this space. Here is the first installment of some August highlights.

Me and both my brother-in-laws rode our bikes to Whistler for a night. We went around the back way through Lytton and Pemberton. The ride was great, and the time spent in whistler was even better.

I once made the mistake of thinking white boardshorts was a great idea, so I have a speedo that I wear underneath my completely see-through when wet, swim trunks. When we got up to the hotel room, I suggested that it would be really cool if Jeremy wore just the speedo to the hot-tub. Jeremy is quite a bit bigger than me (about 35 pounds), and the speedo is pretty tight on me, so after trying it on he declared it is just too indecent. (It is also a really cheap speedo that is basically see-through in the back due to wear) Kris went to the store while we made our way to the hot-tub. After about 15 minutes, we hear "Hey guys, is there room for one more?" We turn around and Kris is standing there in the speedo. He is quite a bit bigger than Jeremy, so it looks twice as indecent on him. He managed to keep a totally straight face the whole time he was in the completely full hot-tub, although nobody else could.

I am more than a little concerned that it seems like after 7 years of being around them, I am starting to pick up a few of their characteristics. We were sitting in the hotel restaurant, when Jeremy looked around and stated "Us three would probably do pretty well if there was a brawl and it was us against every guy in here". I looked around, saw that there was about 15 smaller guys in the place, and agreed with him! At this point Kris was already picking up a chair to throw. Kidding, but it would not have surprised me that much. Anyways, it was interesting to note that their combined super toughness, whether it be real or perceived, is starting to rub off on me.

We went camping to Golden Ears over the July long weekend with some friends. I love camping because for some reason, normal life rules do not apply. Take the photo below for example:

In this photo, there are 3 normal life rules I am breaking listed as follows:

I am drinking a beer with breakfast
I have an awesome mustache
I fried all of the breakfast food in one frying pan. (Heidi hates that)

I am also wearing jogging pants which Heidi also hate, but they do not show up in the picture, so I did not count it.

Chris Ens also likes to pretend he is in a hot-dog eating contest every night when we are camping. It is not unusual for a whole pack of hot-dogs to go on the grill about 2 hours after dinner. I have started calling him "Kobayashi" in honour of the 5-time world hot-dog eating champion.

Another message?

2007-08-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

Last Friday morning, I was woken up by the sound of a Rooster crowing. I live in the middle of a city with no farms within 5 miles of my house, so there are not supposed to be any Roosters around. I got up and got ready for work, the whole time thinking, "What kind moron thought it would be a good idea to get a Rooster in our neighbourhood?" When I got outside, I saw my neighbours had been woken up too, as they were standing by my fence. I greeted them with "who's the idiot with the Rooster?" Well it turns out I was the idiot, because they pointed to the corner of my back yard where a Rooster was standing.

I had to go to work, so I put our dog back inside (She had since been chasing the rooster around the yard) and decided I would let Heidi discover our new friend for herself. I got a call at around 8:00 from a very excited Heidi. She then phoned the SPCA, which did not have time to deal with a chicken, so I decided I would catch the bird when I got home. To make a long story short, the rooster did not want to be caught, and I chased it around the yard with a rake for about 20 minutes before I gave up. In the end, the rooster escaped from my yard, and wandered across the street never to be seen or heard from again.

My brother-in-law Jeremy confessed to the crime. He had dropped it off at 4:30 that morning. He said that the rooster was just too mean, and they had to get rid of it. He also said I was lucky, as his accomplice had a full grown pig he needed to get rid of as they were having problems with it "humping" everything in sight.

I was glad to hear he had done it though, as now I know for sure it was in no way connected to the gnome. As I told people at work about my morning (they all know about the gnome) one guy was very quick to point out what the other name for a rooster was, and how it tied in perfectly to the "special" aspect of the gnome.

Is somebody trying to tell me something?

2007-07-23T10:53:00.001-07:00

A couple weeks ago I came home and found this among the flowers at the front of my house. A pant less, well proportioned, and evidently excited garden gnome.

My initial reaction was who put it there, followed immediately by why? I know a lot of people who would be capable of such an act, but what did I do to deserve this? Is somebody trying to send me a message? If so, here are some things that I think it could be.

Hey there, how's it going? - Maybe somebody just wanted to say hi, and wanted me to know they were thinking about me. This thought is disturbing to me because it means they are associating thoughts of me with a nude gnome. I do not like that.
Watch your back. - Maybe somebody has a problem with me, and is sending me a warning. If this is the case, I am scared because the individual is obviously messed up.
I am watching you. - Maybe somebody wants me to know that they are watching me. Very creepy, and I hope that is not the case. I have decided to stop mowing my lawn in my "Daisy Duke" jean cut-offs and mesh shirt just in case.
I love you. - Heidi insists she did not put it there. Maybe she is lying. I should look into that possibility further.
Help me! -Maybe it is a cry for help. Somebody may have insecurity issues and thinks of themselves as a "gnome" and wants me to help them. An interesting possibility, as I have a good friend (Terry Janzen) that also plays the Violin. I better call him.

The Gnome has since been relocated several times. And I believe it is currently somewhere in Manitoba.

Why do I even go to the movies anymore?

2007-06-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

I do not really like going to see movies in the theatre. I really do not know why I even bother ever going anymore. I feel like this after almost every movie I see, but then after about 8 or 9 months I forget and think it is a good idea again. We saw Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 on Friday night, which was an OK movie, if not a bit too long. The reasons why I do not like going to see movies are as follows:

The seats suck. I can never get comfortable, and if you know Heidi, you know she is a human pretzel and sits in weird positions. She cannot get comfortable, and ends up prodding and poking me with her appendages all movie long.
The average temperature in most movie theatres is minus 7 Celsius. You have to wear a snow-suit to be comfortable, and you are in serious danger of frostbite if you wear sandals.
The food is expensive, but I always smuggle my own in so it doesn't really bother me that much.
I am a weirdo magnet. Everywhere I go, weirdos find me and need to talk to me. It doesn't matter where I am, I know it is just a matter of time before they find me. In a movie theatre, I am a sitting duck.

Public transit used to be where most incidents occurred. I have been assaulted by a rather large woman who insisted that I had what she considered was "f*ggot" hair. She told me this as she was trying to pull it out. I got off the bus at the next stop. I have also had the pleasure of sitting beside another woman who was dressed for winter in July, and proceeded to rub a melted coffee crisp all over her face.

When I go to a movie theatre, I usually end up sitting directly in front of either a farter, or a narrator. A narrator is somebody who has to point out every obvious thing that happens. In Pirates 3 I had to endure 3 hours of "Captain Jack cut a hole in the map", or "it's the Black Pearl, Captain Jack's ship!"

Chris Ens had a superb tactic for dealing with these kinds of people. He would out-weird the weirdos. This usually consisted of him pulling a hood over his face, rocking back and forth in his seat, loudly saying "No" repeatedly until the movie started. No matter how full the theatre was, he always had 2 empty seats beside him.

My most memorable encounter in a movie theatre occurred while watching the first Lord of the Rings. A lady and her daughter were talking loudly to each other for the first 10 minutes of the movie. I leaned over and politely asked them to please stop talking. She responded by standing up and shouting "I am gonna kill you!" She continued to threaten and swear at me for the next 30 seconds as I just stared at her dumbfounded. When she had finished, I politely informed her that talking during a movie was rude, which garnered another barrage of 4 letter words. When the movie ended, I proceeded to my car and watched as the lady came over, wrote down my plate number, and dragged her thumb across her throat. I could not help but smile at her, and chuckle to myself.

I think I will stick to renting DVD's in the comfort of my own home from now on, where the only weirdos that will be sitting near me will be friends and family.

I am not a biker

2007-06-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

I finally got my new motorcycle on the road last week. For those of you who do not know, I have been importing motorcycles from the states for the last couple of years. I sell one or two, and then pick one to ride for the season. My latest bike is a Yamaha Warrior 1700, which is my favourite out of all the bikes I have brought in. Here are some pics.

I really like riding motorcycles but I am not a biker. To be honest, I do not even have my full license yet. I have had my learners permit 3 times, passed the parking lot test on 1 of 2 tries, and have never been able to get in for the road test because it is booked months in advance. Some people might remember it took me 3 tries to get my drivers license too, including an 84 demerit, expletive filled disaster in Central Surrey.

I believe there are 2 different types of bikers, but both are based on the fact that a biker is someone whose life revolves around motorcycles.

A regular biker is easy to spot, as most if not all of their clothes have some sort of motorcycle company logo. They often wear leather vests, and big leather boots, even in the middle of winter when they are not actually riding their bikes. Beards are common. So are tattoos. (Heidi is not a biker just in case you were wondering as Jesus fish tattoos do not count, and she has no beard) I have no problem with these types of bikers, I just have no desire to be one. I do not want to be defined by my choice of transportation. If I did, it would really suck, as I drive what Heidi refers to as the "nerd truck" most of the time. (It is a Toyota with wave decals on the sides)

I will openly scorn and mock the other type of biker . These are the bikers who do not ride motorcycles, yet have all the gear. They are wannabe bikers. They are easy to spot as almost every piece of clothing they have has some kind of Chopper TV show logo on it. You can often find them at Canadian Tire, where they are looking for an Orange County Choppers license plate frame for their 92 Neon. There are a lot of these people in Chilliwack, however there is one person who fits the bill to a T. I saw him getting out of his car at Canadian Tire of all places. It was a late 80's Camaro with two huge $ stickers covering the whole back window. He was wearing track pants, an OCC t-shirt, and a toque. If I had my camera with me, I would have asked for a picture.

I have been tagged?

2007-05-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

Heidi mentioned on her blog that she was tagging me, which according to her means that I have to come up with 7 things most people do not know about me. First of all, I think that tag is a dumb game. In school we never just played tag. We played ball tag, frozen tag, and once even old black banana tag, but never just tag. Secondly, if there are 7 things most people don't know about me, they don't know them for a reason. So I have decided to approach this game of tag differently, and post 7 things you might not know about my friends and family.

Both Heidi and her brother Kris have a very low pain tolerance. Based on their reactions alone, it would be impossible to distinguish between them stubbing their toe, or getting shot in the leg.
Chris Ens used to love Anne of Green Gables. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the words "kindred spirit", I would have about $692.
My sister Liz is very gullible. When she was at Bible School a few years ago, I told her that Chris Ens had suddenly developed a serious crack addiction. I forgot to tell her I was kidding, and she ended up in front of her school asking everybody to pray for her drug addicted friend. Needless to say, she did not think it was as funny as I did.
Jeremy Wiebe does the best robot I have ever seen. Not the best as in he looks like an actual robot, but the best as in I fall down laughing every time he does it.
My brother Benj, received his last spanking from my Mom when he was around 15. I say around 15, because I only remember that he was too old to get spanked, and it was awesome.
When my Mom used to take us through the drive-through at McDonalds, she yelled everything at the top of her lungs and called everything Mc. McFries, McPop, McChange, and McThank-you. OK, not really McThank-you, but she probably thought about it.
Chris Horvath pats me on my bottom at ball all the time, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I know he reads my blog, but I also know he won't stop.

BONUS - I know somebody who put something incredibly gross into a yogurt container, and then smuggled it into Save-On-Foods and placed it back on the shelf. You can guess who did it, and what the incredibly gross item is, if you want.

Safety Nerd

2007-05-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

My wife Heidi, as well as some of my extended family (Jer & Bron) like to make fun of my attention to safety. I am often called Uncle Tim, the "Safety Nerd". I do not think I am overly safety concerned, but I admit I am far more safety conscious than they are. For example, they thought it was very funny that I brought my hard hat and safety glasses home from work and wore them while I was cutting down a large cherry tree in my back yard. I do feel however, that Heidi has started to see the value in paying attention to safety. An example of this took place this last Wednesday. I went for a run on the Vedder trail while Heidi rode her bike along side. We brought our dog, and after a while I asked Heidi if she wanted to hold the leash/rope for a while. She said sure. A few minutes later Heidi had dropped back a bit so I look over my shoulder to see what was going on. I was not surprised to see that she had looped the leash around the handlebars of the bike so she did not have to hold on to it. She has also purposely gotten behind me because she knew I would not approve. I tell her I do not want her to wipe out on the gravel, and to please not do that. Surprisingly she agreed without any protest. I was 100% expecting her to zoom by me while shouting "safety nerd, safety nerd". I have to say I was quite impressed by her maturity in how she handled the situation. I am hoping that this event will be later looked at as a turning point in her life, the day she realized safety is not a joke, and that there is no chance that I am even close to being a nerd. Not even a tiny bit, absolutely zero.

I have also been mocked because of my old motorcycle helmet, which I do admit made me look like the Great Gazoo from the Flinstones.

Reaching a different demographic

2007-05-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to up the ante a little bit, and reach out to a whole new demographic; women. I like to think my blog is gender neutral, but after looking around at everybody else's, I found mine was truly lacking in 3 things women seem to enjoy looking at, and reading about. After hours of research, and soul searching, I think this post hits the nail on the head.

1. Here are some pictures of my friends. We all love each other, and often sit around talking about our feelings and crying together. We often spend hours on the phone with each other. They are my support network, my safety net.

Me, Chris, and Mike. Here is a picture of us after a good cry together.

Me and Jer discussing how we feel

Me, Terry, and Chris, celebrating our emotions!

2. Here are some pictures of babies. Enjoy.

These babies are so cute!

3. And the grand finale, a picture of a friend with his baby!

Kris with my niece, Ranen

Why I love tele-marketers

2007-05-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

I enjoy making telemarketers uncomfortable. I try to waste as much of their time as possible, and make a concentrated effort to ask at least 1 question they have never heard before, and that there is no answer to. I am not rude to them, and I always give them 1 chance to hang up. Here are some of my favourites.

1. VANCOUVER SUN

Sun: Hello Mr. Epp, can I interest you in a subscription?

ME: No thanks. (their 1 chance)

Sun: Can I ask why sir?

ME: Well, to tell you the truth, I am illiterate.

Sun: "snicker"

ME: Did you just laugh at me?

Sun: No sir, I can assure you I did not.

ME: Do you think it is funny that I can't read? Is illiteracy some kind of joke to you?

Sun: No sir, I am so sorry if you think I was laughing at you. (by this time she was getting worried and her voice was cracking)

ME: I cannot believe you are laughing at me, illiteracy is a disease that affects a lot of people. Even if I could read, I would never read your stupid paper!

2. ROYAL BANK INVESTMENTS

Bank: Good evening Mr. Epp, our records show you have no investments with us.

ME: Sorry, I am not interested.

Bank: We are offering ..... (goes on to explain RRSP's)

ME: I cannot get RRSP's, sorry.

Bank: What do you mean?

ME: Well, I do not have any real income.

Bank: Our records show regular deposits, any money you make from your job is considered income. (wow, that is good to know, income comes from jobs)

ME: I know that, but I have no income I can declare.

Bank: Why not?

ME: Because my income comes from "other" sources

Bank: Like what?

ME: If you must know, I sell drugs.

Bank: What do you mean? (I needed to really spell things out for this guy)

ME: Well I grow Marijuana in my basement, and in a couple of other houses around town. I then sell it to bikers, and that's how I make money. I do not pay taxes, so why would I want RRSP's?

Bank: Oh, (long pause) thanks for your time.

Heidi did not like this one as she thought the police were going to come to our house.

3. CAPITAL 1 MASTERCARD

Mastercard: Hello Mr. Epp, can I interest you in a capital 1 mastercard today? (before I can answer, she goes on a 1-minute rant about the card)

ME: Could you repeat that?

Mastercard: What exactly?

ME: All of it, I was watching TV and didn't really hear any of it.

Mastercard: Okay. (and she goes on for about another minute)

ME: Will Mastercard work at the 2010 Olympics?

Mastercard: Yes.

ME: Are you sure, because VISA is the official card of the Olympics. Do you have any Visa's?

Mastercard: No, I do not have any Visa's, but Mastercard is almost the same thing, and it will work at the Olympics.

ME: So if I am watching the luge, and I want a hot-dog, they will not tell me I need a Visa?

Mastercard: No sir.

ME: Do you promise, because I am really looking forward to the Olympics and I do not want to get screwed.

Mastercard: Yes.

ME: Well does your card have Airmiles?

Mastecard: We have a prime +2% interest rate on balance transfers.

ME: Does it have Airmiles?

Mastercard: We have rental car protection.

(This repeated itself 5 times with her coming back with different features every time I asked about airmiles)

ME: I really need Airmiles, so that I can fly to the Winter Olympics in 2014. I really am looking forward to the Olympics.

Mastercard: We do not offer airmiles.

ME: No Airmiles, no Olympics, no deal.

Mastercard: Thanks for your time.

My brother-in-law Jeremy is the inspiration behind this. He told me how he convinced somebody selling security systems that he did not need one because of how tough he was.

Why frozen rocks are harder

2007-05-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

The title of my blog stems from a conversation I once had with Terry Janzen 4 or 5 years ago. I believe we were discussing ammunition for his potato gun when I suggested he freeze the potatoes before shooting them to cause more damage. He thought it was a good idea, but then suggested golf balls. I countered his suggestion with frozen golf balls. I then went on to explain how freezing something always makes it harder, even things like rocks. This initial conversation has sprouted many, many great ideas, where by using a frozen object, a person will realize a serious performance advantage. Some examples of our logic are as follows:

Freeze your car before a crash-up derby. Your car will be so hard you will be guaranteed to win.
Freeze your soccer cleats. You will be able to kick the ball much further.
Freeze your boxing gloves. no explanation necessary.

I think you get the picture. Anyways, I started this blog because I felt like I was wasting my creative energy leaving comments on Heidi and Liz's blog. I apologize to them because now their blogs will probably not be as good, but that's life.